On This Day

For those of you who don't closely follow 20/30-something pop culture, it might interest you to know that comedians Jon Stewart of the Daily Show and his pseudo-nemesis/protege Stephen Colbert are planning to hold a series of politically-oriented, but technically apolitical, events in Washington, DC. Stewart's "Rally to Restore Sanity" and the co-/counter "March to Keep Fear Alive" will both take place on October 30 in front of the Lincoln Memorial on the National Mall.

As it turns out, the Daily Show already had plans to tape a week of live shows at the Shakespeare Theatre in Washington, DC in anticipation of the Midterm elections the following Tuesday. Some local papers have already pointed out the irony of holding a Congress-focused week of shows in Washington, ostensibly to be closer to the action, at a time when every single member of Congress will be back in their home district or campaigning for a fellow party member.

Regardless, the Midterms themselves set the date for the cast & crew's DC visit. Following Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor 8-28 Rally, Daily Show fans started suggesting Stewart & Co. host a rally themselves in response. The two ideas came together somewhat accidentally, as Stewart himself explains (paraphrased): "We were already in town for the shows, and thought about doing it Friday, but were like, hey, we need a day off. Sunday would have worked, but we like to relax on our weekends. So Saturday is it."

Stewart & Colbert have both admitted, even stressed, that there is no significance to the date of their event - October 30, 2010; 10-30-10; the day before Halloween '10 - and have amped up just how unspecial it is as a jab at Beck's sudden attribution of his 8-28 date to divine intervention. When Beck first announced the date, he admitted that it was only chosen because it was a rare otherwise empty date in the popular comedian/speaker's book tour. When he was informed that it marked the 42nd anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr.s famous "I Have a Dream" speech at the same popular rally location, Beck suddenly saw the hand of God directing his choices a la Bush Jr.

For those brave enough to question authority in the former Soviet Union, October 30th has been consecrated since 1991 as the Day of Remembrance of the Victims of Political Repressions. A somber, reverent tribute to the millions of people who lost their lives through starvation, forced labor, and outright execution as a result of their political views or ethnic background. It is not in any way a fitting parallel to the situation or sentiments of the Comedy Central crew. Of course, that won't stop some devoted fan from making a humorous connection to the upcoming event (see picture below, or this link).

For this and other reasons, I am not entirely convinced of the meaninglessness of October 30 for the context of the farcical/satirical events on tap. Below are several relevant/irreverent historical events that also took place on October 30, and which may provide some insight into what we can expect from the Greatest Newsteam on Comedy Central, and some of the most poignant social commentators of our generation:

1270 - The Eighth Crusade, which began in July and was exclusively fought outside Tunis, ended with an agreement between Charles I of Sicily and Muhammad I al-Mustansir, the Khalif of Tunis.

And now for the first installment of our new segment, Better Know a Crusade. We start with France's Eighth Crusade - the Fightin' Eight - in which French king Francis I invaded nearby Tunis in order to ostensibly stage future assaults on the Holy Land, while gaining access to the city's lucrative trade networks in the meantime. After a botched landing in July 1270, the ensuing seige didn't go well for the Europeans, including Francis himself, who took ill and died. By October, the invaders were emaciated and restless, and Francis' brother, Charles I, signed an armistice with the Khalif of Tunis to open trade relations in return for a "strategic withdrawl."

930 years have taught us a lot about how to properly run a Crusade. Here's what Francis should have done. First - don't go out to the front yourself! That's what you have immigrants, teenagers, and British Royalty for. Second, you have to make up a frightening pretense to justify the utter destruction of a foreign people - national security works great. Then you claim to be "liberating" all those poor, huddled, rich Tunisians and their selfishly privatized wealth. Now stay there for 7 years and bemoan the Tunisian's inability to provide their own infrastructure - never mind that they have a more advanced irrigation system than you do. Irrigation? How primitive! In Sicily, we use women, children and slaves to carry our water.

1905 - Czar Nicholas II grants Russia's first constitution, limiting (slightly) the powers of the monarch and creating a legislative assembly, the Duma.

For the 105th anniversary of the signing of the Russian constitution, Colbert will call on his loyal followers to respect the sanctity of not only the American founders' wishes and historic intentions, but the wishes of all founders of any constitution throughout history. He will then declare himself Czar of Cable News Opinion Journalism, and promptly order Keith Olberman to carry Rick Sanchez on his back to meet Dr. Laura in Siberian/internet exile. After 12 hours of plotting and rewrites, Stewart will call for a Communally-Rationalist uprising against Colbert's tyranny, but only so long as a compromise can be reached by dinner time.

1938 - Orson Welles broadcasts the famous live radio reading of H. G. Wells's The War of the Worlds, causing mass panic as American audiences believe they are under assault from space invaders.

Americans are no less gullible, and no less afraid of aliens 72 years later. I don't know what color on the National Terror Alert System corresponds to Ray-gun wielding extra-terrestrials and their interstellar death machines - perhaps ultra-violet - but I do know that at the first signs of trouble Lou Dobbs will issue his Brown Alert and start shooting every illegal alien that dares to mow his lawn. In a decade in which the US has invaded 2 sovereign countries, and at times considered more (Iran, Somalia, Pakistan?), it is difficult to believe that we maintain the moral high-ground as "victims" of invasion. Luckily, in addition to Welles' tried-and-true radio format, we now have a potent brew of mass media broadcasts to keep the American public in a constant state of irrational hyper-fear and paranoia-fueled hatred and acquiescence. Whether denying the First Amendment's guarantee of free religious assembly, invading the privacy of US citizens, or allowing internationally-denounced torture techniques, there can be no doubt that America today permits insane abuses of its founding values under the excuse of 'protecting' those values. And that's the kind of tragic death scene a diva like Orson Welles could only dream of landing.

1945 - Jackie Robinson signs a contract with the Brooklyn Dodgers, for the first time breaking the "color barrier" in American Baseball.

For the 55th Anniversary of the Contract with America's Pasttime, Jon will announce his own candidacy for the Senator from the great state of Manhattan, breaking once and for the the State Barrier in the US Senate. Critics will quickly point out that Stewart doesn't even live in Manhattan, but only travels there for work and to flatter his crowds of supporters. This will spark a nation-wide fact-checking campaign on how much time Congress members spend in their respective districts, the full disclosure of which will result in Christine O'Connell being elected to the House of Representatives from the 13th District of Crazyville.

1961 - The Soviet Union tests a 58 megaton hydrogen bomb over the Arctic Ocean. Called "Tsar Bomba" it stands as the largest and most powerful Nuclear device ever detonated.

Stephen Colbert will drop his own H-bomb on Washington, DC, calling Freedom hating MSNBC anchor Rachael Maddow, "a Hoity-toity Hippy Hoodlum Harbinger of Horrible Hijinks Harboring Hyper-serious Hindrances for Hope, Happiness and Ham by-products." The comments are believed to be in response to Maddow's recent assault on Papa Bear O'Reilly. The ensuing media firestorm of vitriolic exchanges and lingering lack of substance across the cable news spectrum will overshadow the Midterm elections and herald the beginning of a political twilight as Americans sift through the rubble of a once-respected media culture. Ironically, National Proletarian Radio will be the sole survivor after cannibalizing the New York Times, and slowly peace together a network of socialist operatives across the country giving away quality, balanced journalism for free. Deep in his underground bunker, Colbert will await the second coming of Zombie Reagan.

1974 - The famous Rumble in the Jungle boxing match arranged by Don King between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman takes place in Zaire (now the Democratic Republic of the Congo).

Remembered more for the export of African-American deep Soul and Funk back to the "Motherland," Colbert, Stewart, and probably John Oliver, will commemorate the 36th Anniversary with their own Brawl on the Mall. The event will begin with Colbert singing favorites from the Rodgers & Hammerstein songbook, while John Oliver lays down his best Mike Skinner impression and Stewart inexplicably performs a vocal trio with Michael Buble and Mary J. Blige. The main event will be interrupted, ceremoniously, by defending Brawl Champ Conan O'Brien, who will be stripped of his belt to return it to Jay Leno on the grounds of using performance-enhancing substances, namely his hair. Decades later, Oliver will sell electric beef cooking appliances on HSN.

1995 - Quebec Separatists narrowly lose a referendum (50.6% to 49.4%) seeking secession and independence from Canada.

In 2000 and 2004, the Red State/Blue State (myth) had some Americans calling for a redrawing of national borders, and Texas has further flexed its secessionist tendencies. Now 15 years after the defeat of Les Quebecois, Colbert rallies Glenn Beck's Tea Party Nation to abandon their amoral liberal-infested homes and move to greener pastures in the unoccupied territory of Utah. There they can establish a Christian Nation of minimal state intervention, strong Church rule, low taxes, and strict anti-immigration laws. What few current inhabitants stand in their way will face the certain end of all who oppose the (self) Chosen (self) Righteous.

2007 - Washoe, the first chimpanzee trained in American Sign Language, died at her home in the Chimpanzee and Human Communications Institute at Central Washington University. She was 42, and is survived by her adopted son, Loulis, as well as beloved co-workers Tatu and Dar.

Cross-species communications has never been more important, and I'm not talking about seducing a dolphin so we can start breeding a race of humans capable of surviving Global Warming. I mean the ability to have a meaningful conversation with a hard-headed, feces-throwing, knuckle-dragging mammal ruled by solely by its instincts. We have Got to reach out to these Tea Partiers. Of course, as coach Chuck Cecil of the Tennessee Titans knows, there's only so much you can say with hand gestures. Still, I think Congress has a pretty clear idea what the American public thinks of their inability to work together, and if the kind folks at the CHCI succeed, we may one day have enough informed voters to send the right message. Zoo Workers of the World, Unite!

Weber
::(lame)Texpatriot