Just Die! -it.

If Mountain Dew is the marketing domain of cool, young, thrill-seeking extreme sporters, then I probably am the perfect Diet-Spokesperson. I'm not cool, I mostly just look young, and my jazz-and-lindy-hop hobbies are about as extreme as no-contact Mini-Golf (sober).

I think I'm onto something here.

"You want me to jump through the burning what in a chicken suit? Sorry, I'm a DIET Dew drinker. On my 15-minute breaks I just surf webcomics from the comfort of my cubicle."

Ok, life isn't that bad. But Diet Mountain Dew is.

Today I was bulleting across campus shuffling library books from one place to another, scanning, reading, and all the other excitement that is a Work Study existence. One bright point - my next stop took me past a large bank of vending machines in Lehman, affording me the opportunity to get a caffeine kick-up. Even better, I was in the mood for a Dr. Pepper - no big problem in Texas, but an odd rarity in most of New York - except in Lehman.

So I dropped off books, picked up books, and got my crisp 1's ready (it takes 2 around here to achieve the required result). Then I wasn't in the mood for DP. No problem, I'll just grab a Dew.

$1 in. $2 in. 50 cents back.

You know what's coming next.

DIET Mountain Dew.

Now there are Diet drinks, and then there are Diet drinks.  Diet Dr. Pepper brags about being similiar to the original.  Diet Coke has made its niche by creating an independent taste.  Diet Mountain Dew is an offense against nature and a sin in the eyes of pop culture.  

The devoted drink MD for several reasons.  

1) Caffeine.  Prior to the energy-drink buzz, MD was one of the few beverages to offer more than 30 g of sugar per serving, and there's no lying - caffeine has its uses, like addiction. 

2) Taste.  Good or bad, thick, sweet or syrrupy.  Describe it how you will, MD tastes like nothing else.  There is no Mr. Pibb or other knockoff, it's Dew or nothing for flavor comparison.  

3) Image.  The least of all categories, it cannot be denied that image is a contributing factor to getting started with Dew.

As you may have guessed, none of these factors remain with the Diet variety.  It has NO sugar, NO caffeine, a totally different taste (akin to festering Sprite), and NO positive association whatsoever.  It's a disappointment in every possible way, except that it is still wet.

I am leaving one important detail out of this story.   I know that I don't need soda. I know it's not good for me, and I know it's a waste of money.  And I thought of all this just before making the purchase, but I still put in the shrapnel, and in the Karmic sense I got exactly what I deserved.

In a city where increased walking, restricted budgets, and decreased tortilla intake are all taking significant chunks out of my waistline, Diet Dew is an unnecessary and revolting life choice.

But it does have its adantages.  It's sort of like the Nicotine patch for Dew Addicts.  Totally unsatisfying, but technically helps reduce the original usage.

Then again, just thinking about Diet Dew gives me the shivvers.  It's not even withdrawl; it's Diet pre-drawl.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it; at least until I get cast to make the rant as a bit part on the Office.  They are still taping that, right?

Weber

:: Keeping it (lame)