Job Hunt DC

Here is a conversation that I have 2-3 times per week with each of three entirely separate, non-automated human beings:

"Hello, I'm calling to confirm my availability for work every day this week and check for any open assignments."

"Great to hear from you. We don't have anything open right now, but I will call you if something comes up. Keep checking in."

So, to be clear, if an assignment comes up, they will call me. But only if I keep calling them.

This is the bizarre chess match of Temp agencies in Washington, DC. AS I discussed earlier, temp work in the District is unlikes its mega-politan counsin in the Apple, where the critical mass of mindless tasks collide with a shiftless class of generic professionals in a blinding explosion of opportunity and tedium. While DC thrives on the type of meaningless bureaucracy and legalese that feeds this chain reaction, it also provides and ever-expanding fuel source of government employees and starry-eyed 21-year-olds willing to do the most debasing tasks in pursuit of connections.

Getting ahead in the swampy wasteland of DC Temping - and employment in general - requires you to follow 2 golden rules:

1) Put yourself out there.

2) Look the part.

These guidelines are a little more complex than they sound. 'Putting yourself out there' means attending as many professional and social events as possible, and working hard to learn about who you meet, what they do, and how they could help you. Details about the job you're looking for and your "unique talents and extensive professional experience" cannot merely be slipped into casual conversation, but must be made the focus, regardless of the context. Watching the mascot 'Presidents Race' at an MLB Nationals game is a perfectly adequate time to mention the work you did on the 2009 Kyrgyz Presidential Elections, for example.

But be warned: this avalanche of information is no accidental tsunami - concurrent with telling a crowd of strangers all about why they should hire/recommend you is the much dicier game of what not to say. Political opinions are out - at least until you establish the bias of your party. College stories are another obvious omission. But important too are more subtle deflections of truth. I may be unemployed for months, but in conversation I am, at most, "between positions," and even then all further details must be scrapped and the subject rapidly changed.

'Looking the part,' rule #2, is no less a Janus. Your goal is to appear as clean-cut, polished and confident as every other identical suit-and-tie clone with a template resume to match, but yet somehow to 'stand out' through your 'intangibles.' Festive Jerry Garcia ties and creative fonts are like bringing a switch blade to the nuclear holocaust. Somewhere between the single-spaced lines of your 12 pt. Times New Roman cover letter must lie the key to unlocking the majesty and power of your candidacy, but these must remain hidden in the forest of formality and cryptography a la the DaVinci Code.

But one must do what one must do.

I was especially excited, then, when I read an ad on Craigslit for a "Job Fair" taking place downtown from 9am - noon that same day. Reading the ad at 10:13, but knowing the preeminence of Rule #1, I had a dangerously quick shave, threw on my suit, printed off a dozen fresh resumes, and was out the door by 10:39. The event advertisement mentioned open positions in the fields of public policy, international development, and the non-profit sector.

The truth of the situation became clear when I stepped into the lobby. Every nook, cranny, flat surface and decorative ottoman was occupied by 20-, 30- and even 40-somethings in their sharpest pinstripes, pointed collars, and glistening leather shoes. Despite their best efforts, they were having trouble living up to the professionalism of their attire as they hunched over too-small clip boards and filled out job history forms, personal information questionaires, I-9 tax forms and even a grammar test with the office-supplied cheap bic pens.

This was no "job fair" - - there were no jobs! - - it was a temp recruitment drive, refilling their stables with new meat in anticipation of whatever future assignments may be coming over the next several months. There were no employers in the building, only "account executives" who thought they might be contacted by public policy, non-profit, international development firms in the future to satisfy their short-term/ non-career needs.

Adding (unintentional) insult to (unavoidable) injury, one account exec. took a glance around the room and chortled, "Hey, it's the Secret Service in here!" I do see the humor, from her perspective, of a dozen plus intelligent, well-dressed and serious adults sitting around silently in a cramped lobby waiting on forces beyond their control. But from the other side of the dime, I witnessed a huddled mass of human beings striving to bury any traces of their anxiety and financial insecurity behind the aforementioned MIB facade. The cinematic convention of revealing aliens or grotesque magical creatures underneath ordinary exteriors never seemed more appropriate.

That particular outing was not an astonishing success, nor has it yet led to anything substantial. Still, refer to Rule #1.

Some of my other temp efforts have produced slightly more tangible results. Recently I got a receptionist gig that paid me $10 an hour, and all I had to do was sit behind a giant desk and redirect about 3-4 phone calls per hour, each totaling less than 1 minute. In other words, for the actual work I did, I was paid about $2.50 per minute. That's better than a skeevy late night phone service.... Or so I've heard.

Point is, they let me read up on Kyrgyz news, fill out job applications, work on my Ellington side project, and watch CNN on the lobby flatscreen - ok, that last part is less than ideal. Nothing like spending 4 hours watching continuous CNN coverage to really reduce my respect for that organization. I used to apologize for them - 24 hours is a lot of time to fill - but no more. I still think it's the best TV news channel, but I'm resetting the bar to the lowest possible notch.

But I digress...

Temping has been very tough, with not a single assignment in 1.5 months of constant checking, 2-3 times per week. But it is also looking up. I've had 3 assignments in the past week. None are very illustrious, nor do any of them have potential beyond 1-day assignments. So it isn't all smiley faces and cupcakes. But it's no razor blade in the caramel apple, either.

Weber

::(lame)Texpatriot