Universal Cover Letter of Ryan

If a double-edged sword presents a conundrum because it cuts in both good and bad directions, then unemployment most surely be the scimitre equivalent of a tricorne. It can be good, bad, and worse, all simultaneously. The obvious benefit of having no professional responsibility, and thus ample free-time, is narrowly outweighed by the crushing boredom and futility that being truly under-employed/engaged brings, but the complete lack of income that accompanies this tug-and-pull of empty hours is a source of constant concern with only the briefest interludes of feigned amnesia.

I certainly am not the first of my generation - or any generation - to rue the injustice of being able-bodied but under-utilized. Nor does 2 months of job hunting after a hoity-toity graduate program entitle me to any impressive amount of gravel in my gut or badge of suffering. In any contest of "who-has-it-worse" one-ups-manship, I would be out in the first round. I might not even quality.

But on the up side of things, while my foray into the realm of depraved unemployment is still exceedingly short, uncommonly privileged, and 'depraved' only in the most ludicrous upper middle-class hyperbole possible, I do occupy the unusual position to approach my situation with a great deal more levity than the thousands (millions?) of others for whom the recent financial crisis and current job market seem abysmally dark.

And so I present, with only the mildest fear that it may one day reach an HR department, my "Cover Letter for Everyone" - the exact intersection of the details that every employer wants to hear and the mad-libs responses that I'm willing to admit. My responses are in CAPS, but you should feel free to fill in your own alternatives, as supplied or otherwise:

Human Resources

YOUR COMPANY NAME

??00 STATE NAME Avenue, Suite 200

PROBABLY NOT Washington, VA or MD 2XXXX

DAY BEFORE CLOSING, 2010

Dear SIR/ RECRUITER/ MRS. ROBINSON,

I was very excited to see on ANY WEBSITE MORE RESPECTABLE THAN CRAIGSLIST that YOUR COMPANY has recently advertised an opening for my IDEAL/ ACCEPTABLE/ FORMER position. After researching your organization and speaking with ANYONE I CAN FIND on your staff, it is clear that I am HIGHLY QUALIFIED/ QUALIFIED/ EAGER for this position, and would bring to your organization a diverse package of professional experience, practical innovation, and RELEVANT/ TOPICAL/ SUBTROPICAL expertise. As an INDUSTRY/ GLOBAL/ INTERSTELLAR leader in the field of WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT, your company attracts many qualified applicants. My candidacy, however, stands out because of my experience and success in MANAGEMENT/ TEAMWORK, excellence oral and written communication skills, and personal drive for professional success. ONE/ TWO/ AT THE MOMENT, NONE of my accomplishments demonstrate the same traits and abilities that make your EMPLOYEES/ ACCOMPLISHMENTS/ PROFIT MARGINS (among) the best in the world.

As an INTERN/ COFFEE-JOCKEY with RADIO FREE EUROPE/ WHATEVER in BISHKEK/ WHEREVER, I was expected to operate with minimal supervision and support local staff as well as international managers. My primary responsibilities included INTERNET RESEARCH/ SURVEY MONKEY/ FACEBOOK on topics of MAJOR/IF ANY interest, such as the MANAS AIRBASE/ KYRGYZ PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS/ KUMIS RECIPES. Working in this CROSS-CULTURAL/ FAST-PACED/ QUADRUPEDAL environment presented many challenges, but I was able to overcome LANGUAGE/ PERSONAL/ BARBED-WIRE barriers, and even helped BRIDGE/ FOSTER/ MATCH.COM new connections between KYRGYZ/LOCAL and INTERNATIONAL/FUNDING organizations. This experience also built upon my interest in issues relevant to YOUR COMPANY such as INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT/ ELECTIONS POLICY/ OBSCURE SEAQUEST TRIVIA. I returned with a great enthusiasm to LEARN MORE ABOUT/ EFFECT POSITIVE CHANGE IN/ FINALLY GET STARTED WITH my professional career.

YOUR COMPANY's commitment to quality work, customer satisfaction and ACCOUNTABILITY/ INTEGRITY/ GOOD EMPLOYEE BENEFITS aligns precisely with my VALUES (if Conservative org)/ PRINCIPLES (if Liberal), goals and motivation. I am EAGER/ WILLING/ DESPERATE to further discuss how YOUR COMPANY will benefit from my talents and experience, and would welcome your questions. You can reach me by PHONE/ E-MAIL/ NUDGE at your convenience. Thank you for your CONSIDERATION/ ECONOMIC OPTIMISM/ SENSE OF HUMOR.

Sincerely,

YOUR NAME HERE.

Weber

::(lame)Texpatriot